Life as a Fractal

I pause and witness a day’s labor:
dead branches piled on the ground,
pruned lilacs in the grove
of unattended neglect,
young shoots now allowed to grow
and provide the scent of spring
when they mature into bloom.

It is easier to see another’s aging
rather than my own—
when a tree or a flower
completes its purpose,
ceases to be its full self, without fear,
it returns to the earth, restored
to the wholeness of creation.

While my aging manifests in human form,
the Self that resides within does not grow old—
itself an everlasting fractal of the whole.
When I no longer bloom, when
my mission is complete,
the Self is absorbed into All That Is.
A new cycle begins.

“Modern humans became fixated on a collective hallucination of linear time, ignoring the fractal spirals of the surrounding universe.”

-Daniel Pinchbeck

“A fractal is a way of seeing infinity.”

-Benoit Mandelbrot

“Any issue and any problem, no matter what height you look at it from, no matter how much you extend past the first fractal, it’s still a fractal of something that emanates from within your consciousness – from within the human consciousness. And it’ll move on and manifest itself externally, and then those are what we pick up as societal ills. But all these battles we’re fighting are internal. For me, it’s reconciling hope with dread and trying to cut out some place in my mind where my heart can be protected a little bit.”

-EI-P

The Path of Suffering

The path of suffering is a lonely path. 
Affliction arises; story is created around the pain.
Once entered, it is difficult to depart as
thoughts dance in a loop—diminish our resolve,
suck our energy, our creativity, our love.
A point of choice awakens in our seeking:
we find a door that offers an exit from this diminishment
of heart and mind, or we stay locked inside, feeling
tied to thoughts that wound the soul.
Are we willing to look within the pain?
Endure the weight of what is asked of us?
Bear the needed change required to release us?
Now, that is the mystery. That is the unknown.
Our response dictates our tomorrow
as we pray for you and for me:
May we all be freed from our suffering.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.”

– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”

-Ben Okri

“Suffering isn’t ennobling, recovery is.”

-Christiaan Barnard

Good Neighbors

It is spring and I am practicing setting good boundaries with my deer friends who have increasingly befriended our property and my plantings. While they enjoy a chomp on a green and succulent Hosta; clip off the top of the prized Asiatic lily that I have been waiting to see for two years; leave me phlox that stand stripped of their vibrant purple; I am left dealing with my feelings of being invaded by those who are not aware of what it is they do. In one word: fences. I have been planting fences. Telling myself this is mine and that is yours. Will it work? As in all relationships it is an unknown, but I am making change for me with a desire to live happily with those who love our land and bring beauty when they visit. Life is about connection, is it not? Letting it all go without stating my honest feelings and clarifying my position feels unsatisfying and lacking in integrity. How can I get upset when I have not done my part? Yes, Robert Frost, let us hope that “good fences make good neighbors.”

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

– Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

“Creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration for boundaries, can lead you to the path of personal happiness.”

-Nancy B. Urbach

“No” is a complete sentence.”

-Annie Lamott

To Living, To Life

I express deep gratitude to the mother who said yes to birthing me into this world—a world of beauty, challenges, pain, love expressed, with opportunities to give, develop this soul, give of self.

Beauty not found in perfection in her or me, but beauty in the raw truth of living. The opportunity to walk this earth, breathe this air, touch another human, feel the depth of pain expressed in tears, learn to keep going when all seems lost.

I look at mother robin who created her fragile nest atop our trellis against the east facing wall and see determination, duty, purpose, and faith as she watches the rise of sun in each day, protects her eggs, and waits for life to unfold.

In beauty it is so. Joyous good wishes to all mothers in this day and always.

“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.”

-Pablo Picasso

“Birth is not only about making babies. Birth is about making mothers…strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength.”

-Barbara Katz Rothman

“Birth is an experience that demonstrates that life is not merely function and utility, but form and beauty.”

-Christopher Largen

Choices We Make


We walk with fear:
We believe; not enough.
We feel; too much.
We worry; how will we?
We cry; when will it?
We dread; who will it be?
We tremble; what will happen?

We walk with love:
Abundance appears.
Joy fills our being.
Trust is our path.
Silence is our friend.
Beauty abounds.
Connection rises in being.
Choice is our freedom.

“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but it is fear.”

 — Mahatma Gandhi

“If you knew the secret of life, you too would choose no other companion but love.”

 — Rumi

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”

— Nelson Mandela

The Same Light

Light entered my world today, not from the east, solely from the north. A swath of blue and white within a sky covered with dark clouds. Instead of the window I look out to see the expected, I choose an alternate window to see the unexpected. The same light seen through a different world view.

“It is a narrow mind which cannot look at a subject from various points of view.”

—George Eliot

“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man [and woman] as it is—infinite.”

—William Blake

“In this treacherous world, nothing is the truth or a lie. Everything depends on the color of the crystal through which one sees it.”

—Pedro Calderón de la Barca

The River of Sadhana


In a night vision, the meandering timeline of my life
floats before me, like the river that flows past my house,
winding its way south, touching here and there, while
always moving in the direction of intent.

Challenges and joys that went before are seen,
as I float on to this moment. I see my learning
and my fears, when, as a child, I do not understand.
I see confusion, tears, aloneness, transitions,

moving in time, trying to find my way from there to here,
with deaths, friends, shame, insecurities, curiosity.
I feel sadness and joy. I am a child, then a teen
in my self-centered world, lacking awareness

and understanding. I see my marriage, my babies,
the delight, the loss, their gifts to me. I see me,
catapulted to awaken to my life, to shed old skin,
as I long to create, find purpose in being, alter perceptions.

I enter deconstruction—spiritual crisis— and am stripped to bones.
In newness, I am embraced. Through friendship, divine manifestation,
love, compassion, forgiveness, and healing, I find I am enough.
All the iterations of me. All one. All love.

Joys. Challenges. Acceptance. Strength. Understanding.
In allowing and accepting, the way opens. Amma, holy one,
names me—Sadhana, spiritual practice. This name guides me,
as I seek to know the meaning. To accept my path. Learn to allow,

to create, to accept light, to accept love.
I enter my day with the message:
open arms, open heart, receive, give, be.
Be gentle. Be patient. Be love.

“Anything can become a spiritual practice once you are willing to approach it that way—once you let it bring you to your knees and show you what is real, including who you really are, who other people are, and how near God can be when you have lost your way.”

Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith

“The goal of spiritual practice is full recovery, and the only thing you need to recover from is a fractured sense of self.”

Marianne Williamson

“Spiritual practice should not be confused with grim duty. It is the laughter of the Dalai Lama and the wonder born with every child.”

Jack Kornfield

The Flow of Compassion

El Camino IV, The Flow of Compassion by Janis Dehler

In the fall of 2017, I hiked the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain. When I returned, I created a series of paintings depicting my emotional, physical, and spiritual experience. Recently, a print of El Camino IV, The Flow of Compassion was purchased. I did not share my experience and the meaning of the work with the buyer but allowed her to see what was there for her. This week the collector sent me her perspective on viewing this art as a review to post on my website. As we enter the Christian Holy Week, I offer you her words, her intimate experience of self-awareness. I feel deep gratitude in being able to touch the life of another embodied spirit.

I sense the flow of something powerful within me and through me as I take in the vibrant colors, flowing and attuning to my inner being, awakening a deep knowing of the nurturing of my broken heart by compassionate people in my spiritual community.  As I look more intently at this amazing work of art, I see a cross.

My thoughts go to Jesus as he suffered intense beatings after his arrest; after he heard the declaration, ‘Crucify Him’! and while he hung on a cross, slowly dying. 

I remember reading his response ~ Forgive them, for they know not what they do!   And I feel a powerful movement through me and in my heart ~ the flow of compassion.

I am in awe of his response.  Instead of blaming the darkness, Jesus brought in the light of forgiveness, through compassion.

Now my thoughts go to myself ~ I have been blessed by the flow of compassion toward me; I have allowed the power of compassion to flow through me to others, and finally, I have forgiven the one who broke my heart. 

Eileen

“All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.”

Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

Plato

“One love, one heart, one destiny.”

Bob Marley

As It Is


There was a time, I looked back, like an explorer who seeks the river source; I sought to know the origin of my pain, my fear, my suffering.

There was a time, I looked forward, like a seer who tells the future; I sought to know where I was going, the plan, the purpose of this being.

There is this time, I look out, just as it is; I seek to live each moment as it presents—the pain, the joy, the will to be, the heart open, as it appears.

“Tomorrow is tomorrow.
Future cares have future cures,
And we must mind today.”

Sophocles, Antigone

“Every instant of our lives is essentially irreplaceable: you must know this in order to concentrate on life.”

Andre´Gide

“In a world myriad as ours, the gaze is a singular act: to look at something is to fill your whole life with it, if only briefly.”

Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous

Movement Slows

Seagulls stand at water’s edge,
in stillness, they look out to the gulf,
webbed feet tickled by gentle waves—
born from tranquil water. Unexpected peace
after a week of wild roar.

Within the calm,
sanderlings also cease their scurry,
gather at water’s edge and appear to
cluster in quiet conversation, then,
rest in contemplation.

Movement slows,
lovers walk hand in hand,
while nature ceases her uproar,
inviting us to stop and observe,
the sacredness, which is now.

“When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall; it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient.”

Margaret Attwood, The Panelopiad

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.”

John Lubbock, The Use of Life

“They both listened silently to the water, which to them was not just water, but the voice of life, the voice of Being, the voice of perpetual Becoming.”

Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha