Tag: spiritual

All That We Carry

It is Autumn  and we are moving back into the house from summer fun and clearing out unused stuff has been my recent activity. Do we use it? How often? Does it lift me? Bring joy? Does it burden me or just sit there taking up space? These are some of the questions. In the midst of all the clearing I have found myself in a synchronistic moment/process.

On Monday, I opened the book The Wisdom of the Native Americans Edited by Kent Newburn to a piece on giving, “The Beauty of Generosity”. In this section was described the tradition of the Giveaway Ceremony. It was customary at a wedding, funeral, or birth to give everything away to the guests, to the poor, the aged, fostering right relationship with the whole community, and this ritual was shared with the community as a value.

It reminded me that when my children were younger we rented, with a group of friends every New Years, a Girl Scout camp lodge. It was fantastic for the adults and the kids. We camped out in the lodge for a couple of nights, shared meals, cooked, played games, went sledding. One year I had read about this practice of the giveaway and suggested we all bring something to give away, something that was special or useful. So all the adults and all the children gave something away to whomever wanted it. It was fun and we all talked about what it felt like to give away something we really liked but were willing to part with having no expectations of the use of the gift or getting something in return.

I remembered a man I knew a number of years ago who gave all his possessions away, everything. He said it was his way of answering the call of all the many Bible verses regarding wealth and materialism. He thought there might be some effect in doing so. Maybe a cleansing, less burden, feeling more spiritual, loving, feeling closer to God. I heard the surprise and disappointment in the telling. He was free of possessions but still had the same life issues, relationship, work issues, and security fears. He acknowledged that while the giving felt good it did not give him what he expected or sought.

That evening I opened the Dhammapada (ancient memorized teachings of Buddha translated by Eknath Easwaran) and the section read, “Let us live in joy, never attached among those who are selfishly attached. Let us live in freedom even among those who are bound by selfish attachment.”

Today, the noon hour on MPR was devoted to Dorothy Day, activist and leader of the Catholic Worker Movement who inspired me in the 80’s regarding voluntary poverty.  I read everything she wrote and was written about her. Leo and I were in a simple living group who supported each other in making decisions in our life that honored the environment and global living, conscious of consumerism. It is no secret, we still very much consume, a long life learning. (Just as an aside, during that time I also read all of Carlos Castaneda’s books. What an interesting and intense time!)

Anyway, all these stories have in common the concept of attachment. We can have healthy attachment and non healthy attachment. Being defined by what we have in the material world or being burdened with the weight, the worry, the care of life goods keeps us bound. But we can also let ourselves be attached to a person with fear of loosing, loss of love. The monastic life in any tradition asks for a vow of poverty but even a monk living in a cell has to deal with attachment, to other monks, the robe, the cell, the community.

Most of us know the freedom of going camping or backpacking or on an extended trip and living with less for some time and the enjoyment of the experience. We also know we will be going home to all our goods. I think of all the people this year worldwide who have lost everything to fire, flood, wind, rain. The acts of nature that take all the possessions. And, all the acts of violence that take loved ones and has hit hard again this week.

i don’t have answers to any of these ways of being, stories, losses, and connection to stuff and people. What is intriguing to me about these stories has to do with being in right relationship whether with an object, a person, myself, or community. For me right relationship simply put is being mindfully present, allowing the person to be him or herself, allowing the object to be the object not my identification. Right relationship means that we do not bind each other from loving, growth, learning. Right relationship helps us identify what we actually need to live. And right relationship allows us to continue to help each other to move through this world as spirits in a body that we are, moving to Self actualization or God realization however we wish to name.

We all know we will go to our death and take nothing yet we all probably have something we do not wish to part from at this time. I think it is good for us to know. We may find over time that this object no longer means what it did as it’s meaning came from within us who is constantly changing. We may find over time that we have attained a sense of freedom that puts us in right relationship to all that we carry, lifts our spirits, and brings us to joy.

Our backpacks when walking the Camino 2017

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Walking In The Stream

We live in bodies that are constantly changing. We make new cells at the rate of millions every second. The mind as well “is a field of forces in constant flux.” One of my favorite authors, Eknath Easwaran, teacher of Indian spiritual classics and meditation, says, “There is no such person as Jim. There is only an ever-changing combination of physical and mental energies which for the sake of convenience we call Jim.”  I really like that statement. There is a lot of freedom in this definition of self allowing us to feel fluid in this solid mass while living in a creative milieux that is constantly birthing and dying off. What an amazing design feature. There are no illusions in this statement that causes one to believe they are the same person throughout life, that one can never change, that this is who I am. We are, by the mere fact of being in a body, constant change with moment to moment opportunity for growth.

That awareness brings me to yoga. I returned today to a practice of a 1/2 hour of yoga once or twice a week. I drifted away last year as I prepared for the Camino. No, it does not make sense but I fought with my mind so many times to take the time to enter my yoga practice that I gave in to giving the time over to walking and upper body weight training, preparing for a big walk. Yes, counter intuitive as yoga does all of the above, but here I am trying to get this dear body to do what it used to do with more flexibility. I am now in a different body. Not better or worse, different, tighter in the knee joints. We will get there, my body and mind, we just need some time with a bit of patience and humor.

The point of doing yoga is to calm the mind and bring awareness to each movement of the body and in the traditional sense prepares one for sitting meditation. By day 3 of  walking on the Camino, mostly in alone space allowing for deeper awareness, I found walking offered the same body/mind awareness as yoga and meditation and brought me to the moment of entering a flow or stream as I call the experience. I have experienced this in the past when working on a longer writing project, so deeply present in the moment that all sense of time is lost.  Occasionally with art, but that activity is usually done, at this time in my life, with too many time constraints. I have not been able to give myself over as easily yet which entails allowing the thinking rational mind to rest. Moving into the stream is a wonder. When it happens, a gift. It is like finding a door that was always there but could not be found. When it is found and experienced we want more. “Oh, this is what it is to be alive,” we exclaim.

It is difficult to put words to this experience but time is not what we know it to be, the relationship to the physical world shifts, peace, calm, oneness, creativity, intuition, open heart, are some words that might express.  Where is that door? We can’t rationally search it out but we can find it by allowing the mind to quiet and open. The mind, ” a field of forces in constant flux”, quiets. We all, by nature of being spirits in a body, have the same access, we just need to find the form that brings us to quiet open space allowing us to walk into the stream.

A stream and pathway in Padrouzo, Spain along the Camino

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A True Sister Relationship

Yesterday was a day for my sister, Mary Beth. Acting as her guardian, I attended her annual review. I have another biological sister, Diane, who I travel with, shop with, laugh with, and reminisce, and support each other in many ways. I have soul sisters who enjoy what I enjoy, see and experience life similar to me, sharing each others life journey as chosen family. These sister/female relationships are important to me, helping me to see and understand myself, challenging me to grow, offering the welcome place that needs no reintroduction when there has been absence.

My relationship with Mary Beth is different in that she does not have verbal language or adequate sign language to engage in conversation. In her 55 years of life she has remained at mental age 3 – 4 years old. She was born with an extra chromosome which gave her the label and diagnoses, Down Syndrome. In small town North Dakota in 1962, there were no support services for her or our mother and our family. Mary missed out on the early stimulation that is now begun immediately after birth. Our mother, father and us 4 children missed out on education, emotional and psychological support, peers and mentors who understood the challenges ahead. The family felt and experienced the many emotions and changes this birth brought without the guidance, supportive services and compassion that was needed and our parents navigated the waters alone through some thoughtless hurtful comments made by people who did not know what else to offer.

Throughout all of this, Mary has made herself known through her wants and needs and her personality shines. Sweet is a common word used to describe Mary. A sweetness of being that is at her essence. She is very independent minded, focused, determined, creative, and unique in her style. For years Mary loved to buy jewelry and would daily wear almost every piece.  Mary loves to work and stay busy. She will be the one at her day program who with a sensibility of hospitality, or control, will take everyone’s coats and hang them up, take everyone’s lunches and put them where they belong. Mary loves to exercise, especially dance. She loves going out, shopping, eating, and riding in the car. Mary is an artist at heart. She seeks out art materials, has had caregivers who help direct her with painting and creating. Drawing and coloring are soothing to her and hold a special time for her each day. When she was small she used to sit on the floor in the bathroom while I was dressing, doing hair and make up. Mary is a “girly girl” loving to have her hair, nails, facial, any primping will do. Mary has had a long time boyfriend named Bob. He is very attentive to her. At socials he will come get her to dance, until Mary wanders away distracted by balloons or pop, then Bob will find her a bit later for more dancing. Every year they attend prom together.

Mary has a new challenge that has been growing over the years and is the added layer of Alzheimers. Sometimes in the day, her sweetness is hard to find. She is not sleeping well. She now is eating all pureed food as she cannot tolerate texture. When frustrated she will lash out physically or drop to the ground. An hour later, she will be back to Mary as we know her. She has forgotten to wear her jewelry. She lives in a group home and I am eternally grateful for the love, care, understanding and determination of her caregivers to keep her quality of life to what she knows it to be and work with her to soothe and comfort.

This is a hard piece to write as there are so many feelings surrounding this relationship. I can easily name some of them, grief, guilt, joy, love, compassion, ambivalence, affection, admiration, irritation and at times I have felt disgust at some of the behaviors. And, did I say guilt? It is a relationship where enough never seems enough. There is always more to be met. These feelings rise and fall. There is no justification of the feelings, no rhyme or reason, they are just present when they are present. My own acceptance of the feelings makes all the difference. I don’t own any one feeling in this relationship. They are all present and all matter and do not define me or Mary or the relationship. They simply rise and fall.

When I feel guilt especially, I do a reality check and breathe it through. I can no longer enjoy bringing Mary Beth home for over nights as it is too far out of her daily routine. It is too challenging for her and for me. I miss the Mary who was not driven by her compulsions, who was not affected by all the medications. And yet, I know that the change we live through is the nature of life. Everything is change. We change and strive for adaptation. Our bodies and minds age and we seek ways of comfort and normalcy. I do not long for the sweet days when my children were little; I delight in their growth into their mature life. I realize I can let go of the longing for the Mary of the past and celebrate the life she is striving to live. I continue to see the sweetness, continue to hold with compassion this sister relationship that has been part of my life since I was 12 and which continues to grow in its own complexity as every sister and sister/friend relationship does.

Mary offers me the same mirror of relationship as does my sister, Diane, and my adopted sisters as well. We are all here to help each other in our journey of life navigating the waters as spirits in a human body. That is what I offer to Mary Beth and that is what Mary Beth offers to me in return, as we each challenge each other to show up in what ever way we are able, to a true sister relationship.

Posing

What Brings you comfort?

It has been a busy week. My daughter’s kitchen was flooded, my mother in law fell, my sister Mary with Down Syndrome and Alzheimers is having moments of acting out, my uncle was placed in memory care and we will visit tomorrow. Client X is raw with grief and planning a trip to “just get out of here.” Client Y feels that she is loosing her faith and belief in God. Client Z needed placing in a mental health unit for protection in his grief. Some days, some weeks are more painful than others.

It is a good day to seek comfort. People, even clients, will ask, “How can you do this day after day?” “How do you take care of yourself?” In my department we ask each other the same question. It is the same question I ask my clients. Tonight I turned to spaghetti, Modern Family, a bath and music. Going for a walk is always good. Some days it is a bigger hunk of chocolate than the usual small square.

I always ask my clients early on in our sessions, “What gives you comfort?’ “What do you seek for support when you are hurting?” Many times I receive a blank stare. Who would know the answer to that question in such rawness? That is a fair response. Who would know when all we want is the one we love? But I let the question sink in. Maybe in a week or a month the body, the mind, or the spirit might offer up the answer. I need to start reading novels to quiet my mind. I need to have some quiet reflection time every morning. I turn on the tv to get to sleep. I like to turn on music really loud and cry. I buy myself flowers as he would have done. I might hear, I have been drinking every day. I just want to go to a bar and meet someone. I turn on the tv and sleep with it on all night. I don’t turn out the lights. It is the only thing that gets me through.

There are as many unique answers to this question as there are people and losses. Maybe comfort is that which makes us feel at home with ourselves. Or maybe it is simply something to help ground us. Or maybe to help us be somewhere away from the pain or to be in a state of numbing ourselves from the pain. In our pain and loss we ache for the familiar to take a break from the new world that is opening before us. To be someplace where we can feel at home and be ourselves.  Maya Angelou in All Gods Children Need Traveling Shoes states that “The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” Away from any judgement and attempts at smoothing things over, both from others and ourselves. The spiral is a good symbol of this journey of comfort as we empty ourselves on the journey in, find our center, sit in peace, allow ourselves to be filled and then bring that which we find back out into the world, into our own soul.

So, it is a good day to remind myself that every home in my community has a story of loss. No one is immune. We can’t compare. Whose pain is worse, more? We each are called to live out our story as it appears. It is a good day to remember that simply looking someone in the eyes and smiling can change the world of that individual for a bit of time. Someone smiling at me gives me a lift into peace and joy. It is how we care for each other, even the strangers that we might be, not knowing what effect we make in the world but always believing we are all of consequence. We all matter. We all make a difference.

At David’s on the way to Astorga on the Camino Frances

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