Silence

Phoebe fought hard with the cancer,
first denying its existence 
until she lost swallow, and then
realized she could no longer fight.
Holding her hand, 
I wanted to say “you are not alone” 
but I knew she was, only me, no family,
and she knew it.
I could not go with her,
nor fully enter her experience.
That distant look in her eye
now focused, now vacant,
rolled back, a stab of pain, shudders.
I thought of the day I took her to the doctor,
her courageous smile,
dyed red hair carefully styled. 
She could not walk or talk by then
but she could apply her makeup
like an actress before the curtain rose.
She had her pride. 
I could smell the cancer,
the decay within, and
I wanted to give her something
of comfort.
A peaceful steady gaze, eye to eye,
hold of her hand. Silence.
I will remember.

Phoebe was a client in the late 80’s who radiated life until she could not. I did not mourn for all the losses as the knowing of one could be brief, but I keenly felt her death and was privileged to be called to her side at the end.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.

Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

On Going Resource List

• The Gene Keys: Emracing Your Higher Purpose by Riuchard Rudd
• Your Brain on Art: How the Arts Inform Us by Susan Magsamen and Ivy Ross
• A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
• Energy Speaks: Messages from Spirit on Living, Loving, and Awakening by Lee Harris
• Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create an New One by Dr. Joe Dispenza
• The Women by Kristin Hannah
• Cosmogenesis: An Unveiling of the Expanding Universe by Brian Thomas Swimme
• The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz
• Change Your Thoughts—Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao, by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
• God of Love: A Guide to the Heart of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, by Mirabai Starr
• The Four Agreements: A Toltec Book of Wisdom by Don Miguel Ruiz
• Mindfulness and Grief by Heather Stang
• How We Live Is How We Die by Pema Chödron
• The Bhagavad Gita, Translated by Eknath Easwaran
• St Francis of Assisi: Brother of Creation by Mirabai Starr
• Wild Wisdom Edited by Neil Douglas-Klotz
• Earth Prayers From Around The World, Ed by Elizabeth Roberts & Elias Amidon
• The Tao of Relationships by Ray Grigg
• Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O’Donohue
• Unconditional Love and Forgiveness by Edith R. Stauffer, Ph.D.
• Keep Going: The Art of Perseverance by Joseph M. Marshall III
• Art & Fear by David Bayless & Ted Orland
• Quantum-Touch by Richard Gordon
• The Van Gogh Blues: The Creative Persons Path Through Depression by Eric Maisel, PhD
• The Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit
• Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith by Kathleen Norris
• Forever Ours: Real Stories of Immortality and Living by Janis Amatuzio
• Personal Power Through Awareness by Sanaya Roman
• Violence & Compassion by His Holiness the Dahlai Lama
• Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh
• Devotions by Mary Oliver
• To Bless the Space Between Us by John O’Donohue
• Meditations From the Mat by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison
• The House of Belonging: poems by David Whyte
• Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness, by Jon Kabat-Zinn
• The Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit
• Soul an Archaeology Edited by Phil Cousineau
• A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield
• Listening Point by Sigurd Olson
• I Sit Listening to the Wind by Judith Duerk
• Dancing Moons by Nancy Wood
• The Soul of Rumi, Translations by Coleman Barks
• Keep Going by Joseph M. Marshall III
• Arriving at your own Door by Jon Kabat-Zinn
• The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
• The Hidden Secrets of Water by Paolo Consigli
• Conquest of Mind by Eknath Easwaran
• Color: A Natural History of the Palette by Victoria Finlay
• Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
• I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) by Brene Brown
• Practicing Peace in Times of War by Pema Chodron
• When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
• On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
• Unattended Sorrow by Stephen Levine
• Joy in Loving, Mother Theresa
• The Joy of Living by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
• Let Your LIfe Speak by Parker Palmer
• Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet by Thich Nhat Hanh
• The Essence of the Upanishads by Eknath Easwaran
• Welcoming the Unwelcome by Pema Chodron
• Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
• Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through The Ways Of Animals by Jamie Sams and David Carson